Tired..

I woke up at 7 A.M. I was surprised at how early it was and at how awake I was. But I did wake up and I did get up. I got a sweater and some shoes. I went outside and sat in my driveway. I sat there for 20 minutes. Crying. I knew I was waiting for something, I just didn’t know what it was that I was waiting for. I kept thinking about what happened and how I need to be strong for them. They need me to be strong and I can’t do it. How are you supposed to help someone else be strong when you yourself are falling apart? When you can’t get it out of your head how people always seem to abandon you? When all you can do is pray that everything will be okay so that you don’t have to be anything for anyone? The answer is: you can’t. My last few blog posts have been to try to boost someones self confidence. To try and make someones life a little bit easier by letting them know that there’s someone out there who cares. And now I need someone to do that for me. And there’s no one. But I am an actress so I can pretend to be okay. At least around my mom. She really needs it.

Until Next Time,

LuLu ❤

A not so new beginning..

I had expected this year to be different. Somewhat more sane. And yet I find myself in old battles and in new problems. I never expected this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt him, it wasn’t what I had set out on doing. But what I did made me feel a terrible guilt. A kiss with one boy and two minutes later the girlfriend of another. How do you tell someone that? It doesn’t just come up in conversation. And you have to be ready to lose that persons respect the minute they catch you in a lie. Like I was caught in one today. I can’t say I knew what I was doing. I’m not proud of it. One lie followed the other and, in a matter of time, I was too deep to get out. So I drowned in my own problem of my own making. He wants me to choose, and I can’t. There is no easy way of making the decision he wants me to make. Between him and my boyfriend. Between my friend of almost 7 years and my boyfriend. I hate that my lies and my hurting him brought me to have to make this decision. I don’t know which one to pick. I know I shouldn’t HAVE to pick, but I feel like if I say the wrong thing he’ll turn his back on me like I’m a fly on the wall. I tried explaining to him and I apologized, but I realize that if he really truly cared for me, the way he swears left and right that he does, he wouldn’t be making me choose. So what am I supposed to say?

Until Next Time,

LuLu </3

You’re Beautiful..

This goes to all the girls who feel like they aren’t pretty enough. This is for all the girls who feel like they are the most disgusting looking person on the planet. This is for all the girls who have developed eating disorders because they think they aren’t skinny enough. This is for the girls who look at super models and think,..

“I wish I was that beautiful.”

This is a wake up call! Don’t be stupid.

The girls who are models are beautiful, yes, but in such an obvious way! If you look at those girls and idolize them, STOP! You are far more beautiful than they could ever be. Don’t deceive  yourself into believing that you aren’t good enough. You are beautiful in a very unique way. You have a beautiful heart and personality. You’re beauty is on the inside.

Take it from someone who’s been there. It wasn’t changing anything that I was altering my eating habits or that I would throw up. I quit because I realized you don’t have to look a certain way to be beautiful. I am beautiful. And so are you. There will never be a better time to realize it than now.

So are you beautiful?

Until Next Time,

LuLu ❤

Don’t say Anything

I was watching Tyra and the episode was about teenagers who were over weight. They were talking about how they felt like they were going to die. They said people would judge them and do terrible things to insult them. Whether it was on Youtube or Myspace or Facebook. And that’s just one way of bullying.

I know you’ve heard it a thousand times but..

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Honestly, you don’t know what it’s like to be different. If you feel that saying something mean to someone is going to make you cool or if you feel it would be a funny joke, get real and get lost! Don’t say anything. Imagine yourself in their place. Imagine yourself as a “nerd” or a “loner” or a “loser” and think to yourself,..

“Would it hurt me if someone said that to me?”

Think about it. If it would hurt your feelings then it would most definitely hurt someone else’s feelings. When you say things like that, you don’t think about the bigger picture. You don’t know how that person gets treated at home or around the neighborhood. You don’t know if that person is on the edge of ending their existence. You need to think about all of that. Look at the bigger picture. Be nice.

Think about it nice = Cool.

Until Next Time,
LuLu ❤

Someone save me..

                     I’m trying hard not to give in to this feeling of guilt. A feeling I have no reason to feel, and yet I feel it still. I feel it squeezing my heart. A horrible pain I wouldn’t wish on any one person. In my head I can hear myself screaming. A ear splitting sound. A sound that would make the bravest man coil back in fear. In my head I see myself sitting on the kitchen floor hugging my knees. I can see myself crying and sobbing. In my head I can see myself with a knife in my hand. I see myself put the knife to the skin on my wrist. At that moment I see it all. This is real. I’m going to do this, I think. I lean my head back and close my eyes trying to imagine the sweet relief that would follow. But all I see is my mother finding me at 5 o’clock in the morning. All I see is my mothers screams and tears at her having to find me there, cold and gone. I see the sorrow in my fathers eyes at the sight of me. I see him consouling my mother, trying to hush her screams of pain and despare. I see the look in my brothers’ and sisters’ eyes at the disgusting act I committed. When I opened my eyes again, I got up off the floor and put the knife back. I went back to the room I was sharing with my angry sister and I layed down; careful not to take up more space than a small strip. i had whipped my tears and closed my eyes. And the black night flooded over me as a dark dreamless sleep wasched over me.                     I hate the way she looks at me. Like I’m a nasty piece of trash that she doesn’t even want to come close to touching. I honestly don’t understand her. I just want to know what I did. If you can believe that I almost sliced open my arm last night because I felt guilty for no appearent reason. I need her to forgive me. I’ll really kill myself if she doesn’t. She’s the only sister I have who kind of understands me. I had to sleep in the same bed as her when she was angry with me. She was crying. When she got up and locked herself in the bathroom, I cried. I went to the kitchen and sat on the floor staring up at the microwave. The knife in my hand. Tears pouring from my eyes. Sobs shaking my sholders. The very sound of it making my head hurt. The pain I was feeling at that moment wasn’t due to the knife that was pressed against my skin. The pain I was feeling at that moment was because I was falling apart. All the times I bottled up my emotions. Now every single thing I kept buried deep inside was coming to the surface. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Friends

To all who have friends or want them,

Do not just go around befriending everyone! You have to choose carefully. Not everyone is going to like the things you like to do or dislike the things you don’t like. You have to talk to the person and find out their interests! For example, lets say Veronica likes [ROCK] but dislikes [RAP], but her friend loves [RAP] and dislikes [ROCK]. Veronica has to think, “Is that something I can deal with or not?”

Be wise! Choose carefully! I’m not saying don’t have friends. I’m saying be careful.

Until Next Time,

LuLu ❤

Hello world!

My first blog post. Hmm.. Happy Belated 4th of July.

I hope you all had a patriotic Independence day! Filled with fire works, bar-B-Q’s, and family! I know I did. (:

I know it’s short and cheesy but, hey, it’s my first blog post. There wasn’t really anything to talk about.

Until Next time,

LuLu ❤